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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 13, 2015 9:26am-10:01am PDT

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( waves crashing ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: from "the daily show," my name is jon stewart! we're going to have a guest tonight, his name is denis leary! (cheers and applause) stop, stop, stop! the road to the 2016 election continues to wind its slow torturous way. last night, 14 candidates appeared to see who would be chosen as their party's presidential nominee. that was different from a collection of indistinguishable individual undergoing a much more skill-based shrek. do we have anything from the forum? >> the two-hour forum played out like political speed date, 14 republican candidates sharing a single stage in new hampshire. >> jon: a single stage!
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the worst dinner production of "cats" ever! looked like this. senator ted cruz attended via satellite. what was so important he couldn't attend in person? >> in texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. (gunfire) (laughter) >> jon: are we sure that's grease? perhaps some ejaculate from how much you love guns? by the way, you really need to add bacon to get americans to like guns? for god's sake, it's not salad or medicine. americans use guns for a lot of things -- coring apples,
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unclogging toilets, ear pierci piercing -- ah... listen, gitter done! i shouldn't complain about the the republican race. at least it's fun to watch. the democratic is one joyless death march to hillary clinton, sure, bernie sanders is drawing crowds by the thousands but the media decided you can't be a serious candidate if your hair looks like your dick got caught in an electrical socket! (laughter) now, seems there is nothing that shack up the democratic race. >> being news in race for the white house. vice president joe biden considering a challenge to hillary clinton. >> jon: whoa... joe biden! joe says he can't go into a 7-eleven without an indian accident, asks a guy in a wheelchair to stand up biden?
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>> joe biden's gaffes is he says things from his heart and i think that's an attractive quality in the current atmosphere. >> he's authentic, natural. despite his gaffes and maybe even partly because of his gaffes because he can be very charming and relatable. >> jon: really? so the reason loose lips mcgee (bleep) up his 2008 presidential run is now the reason me's a viable candidate? you know, not just blurting (bleep) out, that's a pre-trump presidential quality. post-trump is all about saying the crazy. clearly, hillary sheryl going to have to do something to address the deficit if she went wants to fend off joe authenticity. >> to soften her image, hillary released her campaign ads
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overnight featuring her mother. >> jon: that's smart. bringing some humanity to her. can we see? >> i'm hillary clinton, i'm just like you and other humans. i have a mother who's also a human female like me. as a fetus, i jess tatted in her uterus the way human offspring do. then i traveled through her cervix and emerged from her vagina in the normal human fashion. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. >> jon: oh, my god! that's totally how i was born! (applause) for more, we turn to hasan minhaj hasan minhaj outside clinton campaign headquarters in brooklyn. hasan, is the clinton campaign worried about biden entering this race? >> absolutely, and hillary clinton is doing gaffe prep as we speak, jon. >> jon: i'm sorry, gaffe prep? yes, she is working around the clock with advisors on blurting out intemperate and
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spontaneous remarks. here is one from iowa. hi! slap me -- i mean, nice to meet you! or, holy (bleep)! look at that kid's head! (laughter) >> jon: that just seems mean. perhaps, but the clinton aren the lab is working on it. there's no telling what she will be incredibly prepared to regret saying. >> jon: thank you very much. hasan minhaj hasan minhaj,
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! now, we do a little thing called jon stewart's ask poll. the most common question we received was are the people in the field pieces real. for more, correspondent jessica
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williams. >> hi (cheers and applause) >> jon: this is great question and something i've always wondered -- are those people real? i mean, they say a lot of crazy things. >> oh, my gosh, jon. they are real and they do know who we are and they don't care because we bring a camera with us. >> jon: well, people love to be on the tv. >> it's true. it's like girls gone wild except they flash us the controversial ideas. recently, though, i decided to check in on some of our old friends. shock, roll it! >> the black person uses the term nigger this and that and it's okay for them to do it. >> a large portion of male homosexuals enjoy drinking each other's urine. >> if you're poor, stop being poor. >> i'm doing exorcisms on skype. when hearing the surprising point of views all correspondents know the best response is often the honest one.
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>> what? i'm sorry? are you sure about that? you know we can see you, right? is. >> just who are these people? are they actors? did we trick them into talking to us? and just what are nay doing saying these things on television? tonight we'll find out in guess who's still returning our calls! back in 2009, we met harlem pastor james manning who was speaking out on attacks on barack obama. >> barack obama is not the anti-christ. >> thank you. surely misled, he is not the anti-christ. >> he is crazy. obama is indeed the next hitler. >> come again? hitler. as in hitler, hitler? the fuehrer of germany. jeez! i can only imagine how the daily show could edit dr. planning to make him say something so outlandish, so i paid him a
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visit. hi! thank you so much for meeting with us. >> is this a peace offering from the last time you were here? >> yeah, we're sorry. all right. okay, i accept this. >> tell us about how you lost the congregation. >> i didn't lose the congregation. i did not. >> but they screwed you. they edit it so you said obama was hitler. that's bananas. >> it isn't bananas and i did say hitler, yes, i compared obama to hitler, yeah, i did. >> okay, but that's why pencils have erasers. >> has your opinion of president obama changed in the last six years? >> yes, it has. great! that's awesome! >> i think he's accomplished something no one in human histories ha accomplished or could accomplish. >> that's wonderful. he did. he pushed for a lot of reform, like for gay marriage. >> if i can complete my thought -- the things he has accomplished are ultra evil. it takes a certain amount of
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evil spirit and demented, if you will, personality to do what he has done. >> i'm just trying to get this right. you're doubling down on what you said six years ago. >> you could say that, yes. okay. i'm leaning more towards obama being more like the son of satan. >> i'm sorry... you believe, now, he's more the son of satan? >> yes, i do. what's going on in that head of yours? >> unmitigated truth. in 16 years, we've interviewed almost 2800 people. you would assume afterwards most would be upset -- like say gun rights activist noel. >> if a doctor is keeping a list of his patients who have firearms, the great fear is if they start correcting this data, it leads to dictators, tie
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rants, hitler. >> holocaust 2. exactly. what is it with these bone heads and the holocaust? i went to visit noel in his tiny ass kitchen with his giant ass gun just to see how angry he was. >> doing "the daily show" is great. i obviously put a link of it on my web site so everybody can see it and i can show it over and over to the all my friends. hey! i was on "the daily show," it was great. >> are you some master of sarcasm? >> of course not. i liked it. i thought i did well. >> they didn't twist your words? not at all. are you sure? i'm 100% positive. maybe some people would see some humor in my views, but i don't. >> in fact, in our experience, the vast majority of "the daily show" interviewees feel the same way. dr. manning, do you regret doing this segment with us six years ago? >> absolutely not, no, because i understood when you asked me to
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be on the show exactly what it was going to be about, it was going to be an attempt to make my ideas seem buffoonery, but i agreed to do it anyway because i didn't think you would succeed at it, and you didn't. >> you think we didn't succeed at it? >> absolutely. that's because you did it yourself. >> well, you can say that if you like, but i don't think you can get the american public or the international audience to agree with you. >> yeah, they probably won't. as we head into this new era of "the daily show," one thing is certain, president obama will still be compared to historical madmen and far too many people will still hold their unique points of view. >> i think this starbucks is recognized that the flavor of their lattes that they are using semen to make that latte more flavorful. >> you think they're using semen to flavor their lattes? >> i think so, yes. what empirical evidence do
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you have that starbucks is using semen in their lattes? >> what empirical evidence do i have? >> yes. i think if you're asking for that, you may not be able to find my explanation suitable to meet the empirical standards, but let's just say i know. but let's just say i know. >> jon: we'll be right back. [ nurse ] i'm a hospice nurse. britta olsen is my patient. i spend long hours with her checking her heart rate, administering her medication, and just making her comfortable. one night britta told me about a tradition in denmark, "when a person dies," she said, "someone must open the window so the soul can depart." i smiled and squeezed her hand. "not tonight, britta. not tonight." [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, thank you, from johnson & johnson. you need to eat this special. to nurses everywhere,
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>> hi i'm katy. >> jon: hi, katy. you're not who i think you are, are you? >> you know who you think i am? . es. this is christopher walken. i knew it! guys, christopher walken is, like, 70 years old. do i look 70 to you? >> jon: welcome back to the program, denis leary! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: i'm going to get 'em! sit down! cheape(cheers and applause) unbelievable. >> thank you so much. >> jon: what's happening! i have a horrible cold. that's why i didn't really hug you close, even though i know this is a sad moment.
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>> jon: terribly sad. anytime we have you on, it's that way. (laughter) >> i'm hopped up on all kinds of cold medicine, so anything can happen. >> jon: anything! i'm not sad. i will say this -- >> jon: yes? -- i think i speak for everybody who's here, and the people who work for you, obviously, and doug herzog, the head of the network, whom we've known for years who started both our careers. >> jon: without him, we aren't on television. >> i know, he's here tonight, i know he feels the same way. >> jon: yeah. when i found out you were offered this big contract to spend time with your family -- they said it was 50 million -- >> jon: i think you're thinking chappelle. >> but it's a lot of money. we were all thinking this is a guy who's very brave, courageous, a good dad, wants to spend time with his family -- >> jon: that's what we thought? (cheers and applause) where are you going with this? you're not going anywhere with this? >> no, no, no!
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here's what i'm going to say -- what the (bleep) is wrong with you -- (cheers and applause) do you know how much therapy you could buy for your kids with $50 million? they could hate your guts into perpetuity! who cares? they have mansions to hate your guts in. that's 50 million. it's not too late, okay? we'll give trevor some other show, okay? me and collin quinn and chris rock will write this (bleep) show for you for 25- of the 50 million, right? (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's very kind of you. >> but, listen, i do want to say, and i mean this because my television show is actually about this and you know i know about this as a dad myself -- >> jon: you're going to turn me leaving into a promotional speech about your show? you are the best. thank you! (laughter)
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now, was that four more years for jon or my new show? (cheering) >> jon: so this new show, you play a musical firefighter who, if i'm right, and -- >> i try to have real emotion with the man -- we've known each other 50 years. >> jon: i know you well enough that even with a cold i would still touch you (audience reacts) that's from the heart, truthfully. >> people talk legacy in this business. it's pull. unless you're a president or lunatic like manson or hitler, there's very few people -- >> jon: what are you telling me to do? (laughter) >> i'm saying your decision sight, you're retiring at the top of your game.
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you're going to spend all this time with your kids. it could be two months, six six weeks, six months from now, you will be on the farm in new jersey with your family hanging out, and your kids will turn to you and say, dad, we love you, get a (bleep) job. play applause yo(applause) you are driving us (bleep) crazy. call denis leary and get a (bleep) job, dad. we can't take it anymore. >> jon: i needed flexible. that's all it was. >> i admire what you're doing. you're going out, like, ten emmys, right? (cheers and applause) >> jon: here's the thing i know i'll never get again, and you work in organizations, i'll never find a group or a collaboration or writers and producers and all those people like this ever again, and i know that and have to make peace with that. (applause) the whole thing is, when you do
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something you know you will never be as good as something as you were at this, you have to make peace with it. >> and thinking about all the people that work here and wondering whether or not they would still have jobs is a big thing for you. >> jon: yes. and they do. i'm still asking, can i still come on the show when trevor is the host? >> jon: i'll be honest, and i say this -- i don't think he's crazy about irish people. (laughter) and if he is, you wouldn't be the one i would start him with. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: before we go, i want to show you something. one of the great pleasures of this show is having a pulpit to introduce an audience to books i care about, books i love. i'm going to miss that. before i go, i'm going to do it one more time. i have found this book, this incredible young author, her name is my wife. (laughter) actually, my wife, she actually wrote this book, it's called "do unto animals." it's incredible illustrations, it's about my wife's journey in finding her passion to work with
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animals, about how you can improve your relationship with the animals in your house and in your yard, it's incredible. i've always known -- listen, i'm so proud, i've always known that my wife is a kinder and nicer person than i am. but to know that she is funnier and a better writer? (laughter) i'm not going to lie to ya, stings a little bit. but the book is called do unto animals. it's not out right now, but when it comes out, i'm not going to have a show, and holding it up at home, from what i understand, doesn't do (bleep). so you can pre-order it or, better yet, maybe head down to your local book store, maybe your independent book store, ask them to order it for you. it's a remarkable, heartfelt, funny. jane goodall says nice things about it! so i hope you do that.
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all the proceeds go to farm sanctuary which is a wonderful organization that rescues farm animals and give them the type of life these individuals deserve. so "do unto animals" get your copy now. here it is, your moment of zen. >> donnell has lots of skills and talents that made h him and meme around him wealthy. that's a great thing. it's not necessarily the same skills transferable to governing. so you need to understand how you have to >> larry: tonightly, bernie sanders surges past hillary in new hampshire polls. although let's keep it 100. it's a 73-year-old man and a 67-year-old woman, no one's surging anywhere.

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